Riverdale Review – Dirty Dancing (707)

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was a lesson in sex education!

I think at this point in time, Riverdale’s writers are just having fun and seeing how far they can push the ships while blaming it on teen hormones and curiosity. 

Riverdale is the only town where someone’s parents can get murdered and everything goes on business as usual, with the teens having only one thing on their minds—sex. 

Tensions were already running high after poetry night at the Dark Room where both Clay and Toni made an impression with their artistic performances. Toni definitely demanded the attention of the room with her serpent dance that put everyone, particularly Cheryl, in a trance. This season is serving up plenty of #Choni moments, and while it’s not like it used to be, I think we’re slowly but surely getting there. The kiss was a start, even if it was a dirty dream! 

Following the botched sex ed class that confused everyone—particularly the guys—no one was able to talk about or focus on anything else, which inspired Veronica to throw a make-out party at the Pembrooke. She was undoubtedly selfishly motivated in hopes of making a play on Archie after he turned her down earlier in the episode explaining that she was too much of a handful for a guy like him. When Veronica wants something, she’ll go above and beyond to get it. 

Unfortunately, while she made an impression on Archie with a passionate kiss during the icebreaker “post office” game, he mosied away with Cheryl, who was trying to fight the feelings for Toni that were bubbling up to the surface. We have to remember that these are the ’50s so homosexuality isn’t accepted and those who display such proclivities, as Cheryl’s mother put it, are shunned by society. Cheryl is simply doing what she knows society wants from her by fighting her true urges and throwing herself fully into her relationship with Archie. 

Archie honestly is so innocent and naive through it all that he had no clue Julian was playing him. Cheryl, on the other hand, pieced it all together the moment Archie revealed that Julian told him she was so experienced with college guys. She knew that her mother enlisted her brother to find her a suitable and proper man, so she played the game right back, coming home with a hickey, revealing that Archie “pinned her all the way down,” and describing him as a “total animal,” simply to spite her mother. Karma is so good—and admittedly, it was one of my favorite scenes because of Penelope’s reaction. 

With the teaser revealing that Archie and Cheryl want to get married, I’m guessing this is just another stop in Cheryl’s plan to infuriate her mother. 

Kevin was fighting similar urges, though his were directed at Clay. It’s clear he’s not entirely comfortable with his feelings, but the more he tries to fight them, the more intense they become. And it’s not exactly ideal that he keeps bumping into Clay and that those encounters include sensual stolen glances and touches, along with words unspoken. The chemistry is palpable, but it’s something Kevin has to figure out in his own time.

It doesn’t help that Betty is pushing him because she’s also feeling urges and she can’t quite understand why Kevin isn’t reciprocating them. I honestly feel for them because He’s would be super supportive if Kevin just told her the truth. In fact, he’s not even the person that she wants—Archie is the one that really makes her heart skip a beat and her stomach flutter, but she thinks it should be Kevin because she’s going steady with him. 

Seeing her write in her journal that she wants to feel wanted and sexy before looking up and pining for Archie through the window was such a full circle scene. Archie doesn’t even seem aware that he’s totally in love with Betty, but it’s telling that she’s the only girl he ran away from after feeling aroused. 

Also—and I’ve asked this a lot but this episode, in particular, really made me question how they get through these scenes with straight faces. Or better yet, how many outtakes are involved?

The episode appeased both Barchie and Bughead fandoms, and while I’ve typically leaned into the latter, I do think that in the ’50s, Betty and Archie make more sense and it’s also giving enough space to explore something between Veronica and Jughead. They are the only two characters who haven’t ever explored a relationship with each other, but they have. lot more in common than anyone, ncluding the two of them, even realized. 

When I first saw a kissing scene between Jughead and Veronica in the season 7 trailer, I couldn’t fathom a reality in which it made sense, but now I’m eager to explore what else this pairing has to offer. She even seemed surprised by this turn of events, but Veronica is a go-with-the-flow gal, so she’s going to go for it. 

However, I didn’t hate the moment between Betty and Jughead because she was definitely taken aback by how sensual it was. No one was expecting the “loner” to be the “lover,” so go get ’em, Jug!  

The makeout party wasn’t much of a success for anyone as every single person ended up going off into the dark corners of the Pembrooke with someone other than the person their heart was beating for. Cheryl went with Archie rather than Toni, who got a ride home with Julian and later told Veronica she was playing the long game, while Archie went with Cheryl, and not Veronica or Betty. And meanwhile, Betty was with Kevin who couldn’t be any more uncomfortable as all he wanted to do was be with Clay. 

The bottom line is—people were lusting for the people they couldn’t have, proving that high school is weird, complicated, and confusing no matter the decade. 

Also, it didn’t hurt that the theme song throughout the arousing dreams—which was basically just an orgy on The CW—gave off White Lotus vibes. 

And then there was the Ethel Muggs of it all, who was living through a nightmare straight from one of her comic books. No, really, the story actually appeared in one of her comics, which made her look like a prime suspect in the bloody murder of her parents. The fact that she didn’t have an alibi for that evening also didn’t help. 

While they always say innocent until proven guilty, her classmates seemingly made up their minds about her, calling her the murderer when she went back to school the following day. 

As for who the murderer might be, well, Ethel explained that she saw the mailman, but Willie is a 70-year-old man who wouldn’t hurt a fly, so it had to be someone who wore the uniform instead. 

But who? 

Jughead reiterates that this is a “first for Riverdale” but as those who have been around for seven seasons know, this couldn’t be further from the truth—Riverdale is the murder capital. This might be the first we hear of the word serial killer in this Riverdale era, but we’re also experts on them, and there’s just something off with Hal Cooper. Once a killer always a killer, I say. Alice suggests that Hal has a secret life and doesn’t contribute to the family, and he seems upset that Alice allowed Ethel to stay at their house after the slaying, so I have a feeling that he’s hiding in plain sight. And since everyone was said to have read that mailman murderer comic, one could only think it got into Hal’s hands at some point. 

However, it’s not an ideal situation for Ethel or Jughead, as the cops searched his apartment and found the comics and an incriminating painting hidden under his bed, which apparently they think serves as some kind of evidence. 

How will they find their way out of this one? Wouldn’t it be a plot twist if it was Ethel? I’m inclined to believe her since we saw just how dedicated she was to getting a career in drawing comics and setting her sights on going to the dance with Jughead, but anything is possible. This is Riverdale after all. 

How do you like this season so far, Cravers?